Since way before I've been able to know it, I've been clad against my will in hand-me-downs from fully two whole brothers. They've always been bigger by a smidge, but what's new to me is that they're also more snug. What gives?
I've never ever faced clothing shortages or fashion snuggages like this before. It's always been all kinds of long and baggy, but now I'm decked in garbs I know I saw Brendan wearing. And much of my stuff, right on down to my socks and bibs, they just don't fit me no more.
It's obvious what's going on here, our stuff's been left in the dryer too long. Everything is shrinking and shrinking some more. Clothes, toys, furniture, the apartment, even the plates, forks, and parents. All this stuff keeps crowding in on me, obviously all of it keeps getting left in on permanent press too long. This world is strange, I know.
Shrinking stuff is a bummer and having your parents in the dryer is peculiar, but what steams me most about it is the tonnage of wasted quarters needlessly blown on the pointless tumbling of beds, movies, and other stuff like my bottles and walker. Shrinking them all is bad but I want the quarters for my own.
Quarters have so many wonderful uses. They go in dispensers of gumballs and fake tattoos, or can be put in your mouth, as I do; but to squander a cool million at the Laundromat, well, I just don't see the point of it.
So, please, I beg you, spare the dryer but don't spoil the child. I jest at my clausticentric development, but this shrinking trend has to end. I do my part by stealing the coins I find laying around, but I insist this crisis needs more. I'm counting on your help. Our ever-contracting small world really, really, really needs you.
ABOVE - This is an actual piece of clothing that's supposed to button me from neck to crotch, but as you can see it barely makes a stylish hat.
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