As I get older I'm starting to wonder if I've wasted my life in fruitless pursuits of crayons and blocks. I think of things I haven't done and feel the wicked effects of my advancing years. I'm suffering a 1/34th life crisis.
Even my memory is failing me. I often forget things I've learned and can't find the words to finish my own thoughts. My bladder lacks control and my head isn't exactly full of hair. All these ravages of time are scary, a little.
Maybe it just looks like this is the twilight of my life because nobody has yet discovered where the sun rises or sets. Maybe it's the dawn of my life and I don't know the difference. Rises in the east? We're in Seattle, and this time of year the sun rises and sets in the south, and usually just a few hours apart. Who knows these things and who can tell the difference?
If you're facing a fractional-life crisis like mine, here's some pointers to help you get you through it:
Buy a Mazda Miata, even if just a proportionately fractional replica. Surveys have shown that it's the definitive X-life-crisis automobile. Like they say at Mazda, if it ain't a Miata, it ain't a crisis.
All humans are organic, and are thusly carbon-based by definition. Use this to your advantage and find a younger lady or gentleman with whom to flirt and date (or carbon date, if you prefer).
Make a ridiculous list of silly, even crazy stuff you've never done, then boisterously tell everyone within earshot that you're going to do them all, and very soon; but don't actually do them.
Buy a bunch of hip, new music and pretend like you actually like that absurd trash. Also, tell people you downloaded it illegally off the net so they will mistakenly think you live dangerously.
Throw away your boring, old sink and bathtub plugs. Instead, stop your water with fuzzy, furry, velveteen stoppers, commonly known as "hair plugs." Baby chickens (AKA "chicks") dig it, or so I'm told.
You're growing older and you can't stop it, not even with botox. That's okay though. Don't fight it, embrace it. Barring an apocalypse, this isn't the end of the world. You'll never again be as young as you are this very minute and you owe it to yourself to act accordingly.
Time is always of the essence, and essence equals life, thus your time is your life. How you spend your time is how you spend your life. Put your crisis aside and riddle me this: Do you spend your time making a living or actually living a living?
It's your life and your crisis but, ultimately, it's also your call.
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