Though I've been warming up for this for months now, my wonderful twos have finally been fully audited and certified. It's official; I'm terribly, terribly two.
Secretly, this is a call to arms to my fellow four-and-twenty monthers. I don't know a sly way of doing this, so mass media is as subtle as it gets, sorry. Just picture my brave heart as I humbly whisper "freedom" in my own Irish-gibbery dialect.
Oh it's wonderful, I have to say. Now fully armed with the knowledge of "not being mom", I'm completely free to assert my independence in terrible, wonderful, free-thinking ways.
Raging against bedtime was just the beginning and I'm sure everyone around me would love it if that was all the worse it ever got. Oh my no, that right there is kid stuff.
So here's how I exercise my terribility, and you can likewise use this to the same end.
Replace "please", "mine", "gimme" and "want" with horrific, ear-shattering screams
Supplant the notion of patience with a nano-secondal requisite for pre-instant gratification. If you want juice, a reasonable delivery time is, oh, about two-seconds... maybe less. How else can you be sure you're getting the best service from your attending staff?
Replace your predictably short 6-minute attention span with a more mature, less predictable, random interval attention span. Half-hour, thirty-seconds and a series of single-digit-minute counts all mixed up is a pretty good system.
Demand better things and experiences. You know there's all kinds of wonderful stuff you don't have and can't play with, even some stuff that hasn't even been invented yet. There's no better time to request it than now, and no better way to do so than by screaming.
Recognize that, even according to brilliant theoretical physicists, you are indeed the center of the universe.* Don't covet and don't be jealous. When you feel these emotions welling up, just remember that all that exists (quite literally) revolves around you. Don't be afraid to use this to reclaim your due dues and due attention. Again, use screaming as your primary tool. It works like a (shrill, obnoxious) charm, I promise.
So whether you're two, or just anxiously aspiring to twoness, (like my little brother) you should bookmark this page and print it out for future reference. It's never too early to begin your path to pain-in-the-hiney-ness. If you're an adult, um, then this article is just satire. Yeah, that's it, just a big joke... Ha-ha. You see? I laugh. Big joke... Yep.
* This is more complicated if you are a twin, but that's okay; dude, you're a twin! How cool is that?
Don't get any funny ideas here people, it ain't that kind of brotherly love. It's the other kind, the one where the elder sibling teaches the younger the craft of being difficult. This is a sign meaning "to buzz off". It's accomplished by opening one's mouth, sticking out one's tongue and saying "myeh!".
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