I stayed happy as long as I could. |
Stratosphere, Earth - Many of you have seen airplanes before, either on the ground of curiously suspended high in the air. I had a chance to experience one of these miraculous rattle-traptions myself, so I crawled all over it.
What I signed up for was an adventure, what I got was a lifestyle. If you have ever been to the store, you know it takes forever, like maybe an hour. If you've been able to sit through a whole movie you know it takes about half a day. I don't know where this thing plans on landing, but I've been airborne for, I'd swear, probably about three days.
Let me tell you how it went: We lifted off; I slept; woke up,still flying. Went about my day, slept some more, woke up,still flying. I tell you, I've done this same routine a bunch of times now and this mammoth aluminum bird is still going strong.
The halflings keep asking if "we [are] there yet?" and the answer has been permanently fixed at "no." I'm not sure where this "there" place is, but based on the hype it's got to be a real bang-up sort of destination.
The experience of flying itself is quite singular and backwards. Quiet is still very loud and clouds are down when they clearly should be up. Even food, while normally quite palatable, has an odd inedibility about it. And don't even get me started on the paradox of what little excitement there is still being exceptionally dull.
The real highlight so far was when this gorgeous Russian lady who works here found out it was my first flight she got me a certificate to commemorate this momentous occasion, signed by the captain and all. It's probably special treatment because of my celebrity status, though. Now I know what you're thinking, but there's no future between me and her. Embarrassingly, our introduction came mere moments after a most pungent mishap. Besides, I doubt an international flight attendant could keep up with my jet set lifestyle.
The First Flight Certificate is odd to me since based on my experience, flights take so long that no one could possibly hope to take more than one or two in a lifetime. Isn't this pretty much everybody's first flight? Again I suggest, it's my celebrity status.
So how does my tale end? Where does my own metaphorical flight land? I thought only time would tell, but so far time has only kept me waiting. If this plane ever does decide to land and set us free, I'll let you know. Until then, my only conclusion is that there is nowhere on earth I've ever been that takes this long to get to, and this is the first time I've gone over 400 miles per hour. In that I can only conclude that all of aeronautics is little more than an elaborate scam. A flight of fancy and fantasy, if you will.
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