First rule: Plumbing is very tricky. If you aren’t careful, you will slip. Since you probably will slip one way or another, it is critical to keep your pants 5-10% lower than you would otherwise. Better to drop them down than lose your footing.

Rule two: Assure whomever you're helping that anything you fix may and probably will break again.

Rule three: Always state the obvious. If you’re there because of frozen pipes, be sure to tell them prophetically, “your pipes are frozen,” as if proclaiming it was enough to solve the problem. It may seem condescending, but only because it is.

Rule four: Quote absurd times for availability. Start by saying you can’t make it out within three weeks, then tell them you will arrive between 7:00am and 9:00pm; but don’t feel obligated to show up or call.

Rule five: Charge a lot of money.

If you are an infant or toddler, or know someone who is and was considering a career in the aquaductal arts, be sure to tell them that they now have an option.