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Ice Age Warning Issued
Posted by Brendan on Friday, October 24 @ 04:00:00 PDT
Just about ready now. |
Earlier today reliable sources reported in shallow depth a general notice of "Ice Age around 4:00pm." This is of course most shocking news that everyone needs to be aware of. So, naturally before warning any of you, I prepared for the worst myself.
All snug as a bug, I'm ready to help you prepare yourself for a disaster such as this.
Start with a good umbrella. Something really storm-worthy. I stress tested my umbrella under intense conditions of slapping, yanking and shoving. To verify its strength in moist conditions I also gave the corner a good chew. Happily, it passed with flying colors.*
Rugged goulashes (go-laahshes?galoshes? How ya spell that?) The bigger the better, really. Mine are so big I can't stay in them. They are resistant to both water and attack from ferocious polar-biting creatures. Again, I personally tested the strength by trying to chew through them while my big brother was wearing them.
 A warm yet stylish noggin-cozy. It's important to maintain body heat in order to survive, and if you don't look good doing it, well, can that really be counted as survival?
Food stuffs. I chose to take along with me a half-eaten banana. Some say go with canned goods, but those are physically impossible to open and cereal gets soggy. I mean, if not half a banana why not a frozen burrito, that goes well with ice, right? Remember, bananas are gracious companions to freezing as evidenced by their perpetual presence in sundaes.
Fortunately, I had my half a snack and looked like a porcelain Sherpa when 4:00 rolled around. Call me naïve but even like a half hour into the movie I still didn't quite understand that the greatest ice age in a million years came on VHS. Did I miss something?
* Black is a color, right? I mean, I know it's technically the absence of color, what did they use to make it black, "Absence Of" brand dye?
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