Seen here in my giganti-huge state of bigness. |
Blast these slick door-to-door salesmen with their mesmerizing sales pitches. I love a good pitch as much as the next kid, but this smooth talking pitcher was simply hypnotically convincing.
These dapper dressing, sweet smelling salespeople are all the same. They find your weakness; show you their miracle lotion, potion, cream or jelly, and then volunteers it to cure your every ailment, hunger or stain. Plus, they're rather charming on the whole.
He came to our office and without even asking what we needed, he was able to identify that I struggle with challenges of a vertical nature. Did I tell you this guy was good or what? "Okay," I thought, "let's see what you've got."
He rubbed just a dab (that's all you need) on my hand as a gracious free sample. That's when the miracle began. He lifted me up to the mirror and just as promised, we were both at eye level. Then he took the photo you see here, and clearly I am gigantic, goliath really, simply colossal. Bigger than I'd ever been before in my life.*
As he explained, this cream, applied daily, would have me grown to full height in a mere 15-20 years. Regularly priced at $60 a month, he offered it to us for only $60 a year. That's a savings of over X* percent! It was beyond budget and he said he could tell I was an honest guy, plus he said we were friends, so he offered me a special $60 lifetime supply tube.
This was still beyond fiscal means, so he generously offered it for only $20 even though he said his boss would chew him out for it later. He said he could tell I was a really good candidate for it, plus witty and good looking too.
Sadly, all my money is locked up in my education fund, except for my first dollar I got from cousin Angela.*** To my unprecedented chagrin, I had no room left to bargain.
I resigned to navigating God's lethargic course of natural growth. Disheartened, he headed out. Our friendship was clearly in tatters as he asked if we could spare him bus fare. As the door closed behind him we offered him a fond farewell and a resounding "no."
* This claim has been verified by an independent third party.
** Though X typically represents a variable this savings can actually be calculated, but only by the most complex of mathematics.
*** Dad gave Angela the first dollar she ever had and this was her way of saying thanks. It's weird, I know.
Printer Friendly Page
Send to a Friend
