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Op / Ed
 Boxes Just Ain't What They Used to Be
Monday, August 21 @ 02:00:00 PDT
Times are changing and I'm more a man than I was when I was younger, and nothing makes that as painfully obvious to me as the fact that I no longer fit in the snug places I used to. No matter how much fun it may be or how hard I try, I just can't shoehorn myself into the tiny places that used to delight me ever-so-much.
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 Study Finds Screaming Less-than-Charming Despite Prevalence
Thursday, August 10 @ 02:00:00 PDT
I've always been a savvy communicator. When I was a young boy I always knew how to outstretch my hands to get what I wanted. As I got older and figured out that talking could help me out even more, I did that. But now that I'm an age-old and wise man, I know that screaming is the very best method of getting my way.
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 Proclamation Breaks Parents' Hearts
Wednesday, August 09 @ 05:00:00 PDT
Last week at a birthday party, Patrick was put in charge of eating some cake. He chose a place to sit, but panicked when he saw a ladybug on the table. He has many phobias and this is one of them. When the grown-ups tried to comfort and assure him, he punched himself in the head and uttered what grownups on hand described as "the most heartbreaking thing" they had ever witnessed.
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 Today's Kids Unimpressed by Piñata Contents
Tuesday, August 08 @ 06:00:00 PDT
Are you now or have you ever been a child? If you can answer "yes" to this question you likely know all about the piñata, how it's traditionally beaten and what is expected to fall out once it's busted to bits. If you answer "no" you may wish to consider hypnosis to determine your origins. It's just a thought.
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 Department Store Dogs Amazingly Unresponsive
Wednesday, August 02 @ 02:00:00 PDT
I've seen dogs in settings from the 4H stand at the fair to the pet store to the poopiest of canine-walking park, but I'd never seen such a thing like these woofers at the department store I saw just this week. I'm sure they're well trained and all, but they aren't much fun.
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 Heat Wave Crests on Home, Tsunami of Sweat Ensues
Tuesday, August 01 @ 03:00:00 PDT
It's been a week more deeply trying than trying to fathom the depth of the hottest week. I've traveled half the world, but I've never been hot the way I've been this week, and although I'm not "dying" exactly, I also can't say I've worn anything more than my skivvies in as long as I can recall.
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 Boy-Toys Seek Companions, Don't Understand 'Boy Toy'
Thursday, July 27 @ 02:00:00 PDT
Three professional, ambitious, exceedingly handsome young men have made it perfectly clear that they wish to be boy-toys in an article published on the internet. Although that article published on the internet is actually this article published on the internet, the bigger concern is that the aforementioned boys don't actually have any understanding of what a "boy toy" is.
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 Mostly Sure Boss Overslept Staff Meeting
Tuesday, July 11 @ 02:00:00 PDT
As any loyal reader of this publication must know, we take our job of publishing all of and only the best and most broken of all breaking news items, so when a staff meeting is announced, you can be sure we all take it very seriously and do our best to attend no matter what it takes.
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 Window Sill Allegedly 'No Place to Stand'
Sunday, July 09 @ 03:00:00 PDT
I don't know much about the law, I'm no lawyer. I also don't know much about rules, since I'm no ruler. What I do know is that without any warning or understanding, there are things that I do throughout my random day that land me in hot water with no conceivable grounds. It's strange, but apparently, climbing up onto the window sill is one of the things I'm not allowed to do.
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 Fourth of Juleaster Bunny Brings Candy, Flammables, Inflammables
Wednesday, July 05 @ 01:00:00 PDT
As any fool with a calendar can tell you, this is a holiday week, and nothing has helped make it very real for us quite like a visit from the Fourth of Juleaster Bunny, who left us with eggs, American flags and an assortment of highly combustible symbols of freedom, patriotism and chocolaty American pride.
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