 New Reporter Fired for Excessive Slobbering
Tuesday, June 08 @ 01:00:00 PDT
Today after enough finally became enough I was forced to let the little Mr. Dominic Benjamin go. It was a hard decision but every gift ever bestowed* upon him has come back sloppy wet and totally disgusting and I just had to cut him loose.
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 Old Friend Gravity You've Really Outdone Yourself
Sunday, June 06 @ 02:00:00 PDT
Up and down just wouldn't be the same without his faithful place in my life drawing me ever closer to the firma of terra, but he really sharpened his game when he taught me that "slide" actually has two meanings.
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 Alternative to Self-Wetting Discovered
Thursday, June 03 @ 03:00:00 PDT
Bed wetting can be the biggest shame to any child, but it's a crime I've very rarely committed and it's never been my fault. "Why?" you may sagely inquire. Right tools for the right job, folks. I have a moisture leeching diaper.
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 Mitts Return After Someone Scratched My Face
Wednesday, June 02 @ 03:00:00 PDT
All my life I've worn normal clothes, you know like trunk-sacks, stocking caps and of course oven mitts. I outgrew the mitt phase for a bit but "somebody" kept scratching my face so now they're back on the arm-tips again.
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 Interview Finds Baby Muttering, Wiggling, Reclusive
Saturday, May 29 @ 01:00:00 PDT
Once again I'm a bit disappointed. We had this great feature penciled for today and before my eraser could make its way back across the page the deadline snuck up and forced the publication of an article that's a bit more in pieces than wholly whole.
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 Jealousy Committee Appoints New Chairman
Friday, May 28 @ 01:00:00 PDT
When the jealousy committee was first founded about a year and a half ago, brother Patrick adeptly headed it up. It made sense since he was also the only member and considering his head draws so much attention, even from strangers.
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 Third Haircut Lacks Fanfare of First
Thursday, May 27 @ 02:00:00 PDT
Well, it's official, my hair has been cut. It's disappointing since I was hoping to go as Shaggy for Halloween and was well on my stylish way. That's no biggy though, I can wear a wig; but what's really disappointing was how non-eventful the event was.
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 Yosemite Sam Got Candy On, In the Brain
Tuesday, May 25 @ 03:00:00 PDT
If you've ever tasted the sweet, distant cousin of amphetamines better known as sugar, you know how easy it is to have candy on the brain. What you may not know is that some characters out there also have candy in the brain.
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 Mama Exceeds 5-Foot Distance, Trauma Ensues
Friday, May 21 @ 10:00:00 PDT
Oh dear me, no! My dear readers, you need to hear this. This afternoon I woke up to a really upsetting thing, Mama was on the other side of the room. That's like a billion micrometers away!
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